“The kids are full of sugar,” Martin’s teacher announces at pickup time. “They had cupcakes for Kyle’s birthday.”
I suppose this explains why my son and his toddler cohorts are roadrunning around the classroom and catapulting off the low leather couches . . .
We’re thrilled to announce You Have to Fucking Eat, the sequel to the #1 New York Times best-selling classic Go the Fuck to Sleep!
I look at my belly in the mirror, swollen to the size of a basketball at seven months pregnant . . .
I have no toys.
I was hoping that at this stage of my life, as both husband and father, I would have some pretty cool toys. But I don’t. Instead I have four daughters, and this is why I have no toys . . .
Hana Irene Carter is showing her fourteen-year-old Asian-black ass this afternoon. She walks through my house and into my kitchen, ignoring me, her grandmother Irene, and four of her other relatives, only smiling at and kissing Emma, my black sheep cousin, on the cheek. She then opens the refrigerator and takes out a beer. She pops the top, takes a long swig, and burps, looking directly at me with an in-your-face, self-satisfied grin.
Before I can act, Irene is up. She pulls the can out of her granddaughter’s hand and dumps the beer out in the sink . . .
Are you a parent going through the Terrible Twos? Did you live through them and survive? Terrible Twosdays is a place to commiserate over the unending shenanigans of your Darling Children (as the online parenting communities say). Nonfiction stories will be considered, so long as names have been changed to protect the guilty. Inspired by […]
The baby is beautiful, but then isn’t every baby?
But it’s not really beautiful. Its face is red, and its head is oversized, swollen, and dripping with newborn hair and blood . . .